There are so many why’s in my life now and all those are still left without answers. Is this supposed to be the point where people starts to wonder about the point of their existence? I’m only 21yrs old. I’m supposed to be thinking of the latest gadgets, fattest ass porn-star, soccer, entertainment and [ insert another time-wasting activity ]. Why do I keep thinking why??! What’s this phase of life suppose to be? Must I really get an answer before I can move on? I’m so tired of all these. Very tired.
I have asked almost everyone close to me why. But none of them could gimme an answer. All could only lend me their ears, but not a solution. I suppose this question is little too hard for me and everybody my age to comprehend.
Or is this all because of a girl?
Is my life nothing more than a monotonous long long railway road? Are there nothing more to my life other than grades, her, family and friends? If I can live up to 70 yrs old, I have wasted almost one third of my life now. And more than half of the one-third, I slept through it. So, why do I focus only on her? Is she really all that important to me? As a friend mentioned to me, I have already left an important space in my heart for her. I’ve finally realised she holds a very high position in my heart. But am I reaching for something unattainable?
Am I being foolish sacrificing so much for her? What am I getting in return? Am I asking too much if I only wanted her to return my feelings? Is this what you call a motive for doing so much? Loving her, how do you define love? Sacrificing everything for her so that I’m loved? Is this what you call having ulterior motives? Can’t she see that I’m treating her with my whole sincere heart? I gave out my heart, opened up myself to vulnerability and nobody appreciates me. Am I just a pawn for her? A stupid pawn she can manipulate in any way she likes? And I’m being manipulated knowingly.
Why do I cycle all the way to pasar malam in the rain just to buy her the “keropok lekor” she wants? Why am I submitting myself to her overboard demands? For what am I doing this for? For what am i getting myself wet in the rain for? Is she giving me a chance to prove my worth to her? Or am I thinking too much? Probably the latter. Where am I in her heart? When she says “I need you” and the “you” is not me, do you know how much it hurts me? Even worse, I’ve got the all-so-familiar feelings she’s starting to keep her distance from me again. An indication things are going to go badly once again.
I should stop being such a fool for her. Everybody’s saying I’m stupid like this. Changed so much for her. But don’t pity me please. I’m not handicap or anything. Save your sympathy for earthquake victims, orphans, or disabled. Oh, I learnt something from someone’s dad today. If you like a girl, never let her ride on your head. If not she won’t listen to you. Insightful thought from an old man.. ^^
So far: 28 questions. 0 answer.